Some may say that I'm not the one to have a happy marriage because, when said and done, I had Liz! And that was a blessing that is most of what a happy marriage takes. Please forgive me if I either pass down some important advice I received along the way, from people whose names I have forgotten. And while writing this article I quote others who have written similar articles that I think are useful.
Liz told others that the main reason she married me was she thought I was a "Good Person". That is probably the number one qualification! Ultimately it is tested over and over through failures of one or the other partner's commitment to do what is right.
Liz and I were Christian. We worshiped together and studied, including questioning, together. We felt it necessary to serve in the church, and whether Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran, or Catholic. And we felt it was necessary to attend services. Our children, a continuous blessing to us, went with us and often participated in youth groups.
Steven Nock, a professor of sociology, says that "Commitment and Trust" and the lack of either or both is what causes most of today's problems. How serious are you when you "Pledge Your Troth"(Make a solemn pledge of commitment or loyalty in marriage.) We used the Methodist pledge:
"________, wilt thou have this man/woman to be thy wedded husband/wife to live together after God’s ordinance in the Holy Estate of matrimony? Wilt thou love him/her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others keep thee only unto him/her, so long as ye both shall live? ("I will")
(Repeat) "I, ________, take thee ________, to be my husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better – for worse, for richer – for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, and thereto I pledge thee my faith."
(Rings) "In token and pledge of the vow between us made, with this ring I thee wed; in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."
This is a solemn oath, and unless you make it as a part of your very being, before God, don't make it!
When you are apart from your mate, you are just as married as when you are together. In my profession, I was often away from Liz. Temptation was unbounded and my purient self often wanted to yield. Realizing that temptation was triggered by missing being with Liz I think helped me resist, and fortunately I did. The commitment (the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.) to your spouse must be sustained.
I must confess, I have extensive admiration for military spouses who must indure months and even years of separation. Maybe someone who has that experience will share their thoughts on the subject.
Nelson Guthrie was one of the two ministers that presided at our wedding. He was the one that conferred with us about what we were getting into! The only thing I remember about those conferences, was the “warning” that sex made up only 25% of the marriage. Now I wonder what that means.
There are 168 hours in a week. Of that we work 53 hours (including lunch and travel) a week. We sleep 56 hours and have meals 14. That leaves about 45 hours. Does that mean we only have about 11 hours a week for sex?
Reminds me of the story about the consultant from SFPTAS (Society For Presenting the Truth About Sex) He always started his lectures by having everyone stand. Then he would ask those who:
Had sex once daily to sit down? Some number, most of which were lying, sat down.
Then once every other day? More sat down.
Once a week? By then about half of the audience was seated.
He continued. Once a month? Once every two months…
He noticed one gentleman still standing when he said "one a year?", but obviously seemed very happy. So he asked, “Sir, you only have sex once a year. Why are you so happy?”
“Because”, came the answer, “Tonight’s the night!”
While too much independence ― the kind that leads to infidelity or workaholism ― is a marriage breaker, too much dependence isn't the answer either. "Every good marriage is based on an awful lot of separation," Nock says. "People need to have a separate life and existence to feel validated as individuals. They can't live solely as somebody's partner."